Author: Tim Morgan

Earlier in the summer heard about the Back to Basics Egg and Muffin Toaster, a device that magically creates Egg McMuffin type breakfast sandwiches in the comfort of your own home.

With the toaster, never again would one be slave to the clock and the arbitrary decisions of corporate America run amuck. Multi-millionaire CEOs and Hamburgerologists forcing their despotic will with a 10:30 cutoff time for breakfast. Who wants a hamburger at 10:35, anyway?

To free myself from such tyranny, last week I ordered the toaster, yesterday it came in the mail. Last night I went to Kroger to assemble all of the ingredients necessary for my favorite breakfast item:

I added the proper amount of water for steam production.

I added an egg. (You’re supposed to break the yolk, thanks. I know how to crack an egg.)

And the Canadian Bacon.

And of course, the English muffin.

The toaster is designed so that all of the ingredients come out at the same time, so I patiently waited.

Four minutes later, I had my McMuffin, minus the Mc part. Would you like fries with that?

The resulting sandwich does have the same character and gooeyness that makes the Egg McMuffin my favorite breakfast item. Now all I’ll need is the Back to Basics Home Angioplasty Kit.

I had some dental cleaning done this morning that required a local anesthesic. I was supposed to eat something beforehand but I forgot to eat, so after my appointment I was feeling a bit peckish. I decided to grab a milkshake. (Yeah, a milkshake after going to the dentist, that’s the kind of passive agressive action that I’ve come to expect from myself.) I pulled into the drive through at the Green Hills McDonald’s.

In front of me was a Kentucky blue early 90s vintage Ford F150 truck. I didn’t think anything of it until I saw the man behind the weel of the truck roll down his window to toss a paper towel on to the ground beside the truck. I was not the only one to notice this, but I was amazed at the brazen callousness that would make a person think that this was OK.

I thought for a moment on what I could do, and given that my mouth is already numb I figured that I would confront him about it. If he tried to deck me, I wouldn’t feel it anyway, so I felt I had nothing to lose.

I put my car in park, jumped out of the car and picked up the paper towel. He saw me do this, I made eye contact, and with all the brazenness I could muster, I threw the trash in the back of his truck. Several people saw me do this and they started to clap. He jumped out of his truck, reached back into the bed of the truck, fished out the paper towel and while staring at me, THREW IT BACK ON THE GROUND. Another man came over, picked up the paper towel again, took it inside to throw it away. He gave me a thumbs up.

Now I’m sure that this was’t the first time this man (he ordered a McChicken-no lettuce-and a small Coke has thrown trash from his car window, and I don’t expect my actions to have any influence on him ever doing again.

But if you see a man driving along in a blue Ford truck, Tennessee license plate NYE 753, don’t be suprised when you see a McChicken wrapper fly out the car window.

I sold 5 shirts with total sales of $83.95. As I said, I have matched that 100%, and made a donation to the Red Cross Katrina Relief in the amount of $167.90. I had orginally said that I would dontate the profits from the shirt sales, but since I forgot to assign any profit at Cafepress, I just did the whole amount.

Thanks everyone who bought a shirt!

No, I’m not one to join the exodus…you can’t get rid of me that easily.

It’s just been a busy month, starting off with 10 days spent in South Carolina dealing with my mother’s shoulder surgery. (Yes, she will be able to play the violin again.) I got back and had to hit the ground running, major work commitments lead to a several near 80 hour weeks. It’s fall which means football season, which means the little weekend I can carve out for myself is spent watching football. Then there was the whole Chief Justice hearings, another hurricane, another SCOTUS nomination, and that python that tried to swallow that alligator. So my time for blogging was reduced, to say the least.

I also met a girl, which is a story for another time.

R.I.P, Bob Denver, a.k.a TV’s Gilligan.

My friend Michael, who gave up blogging before he really ever started, has written a letter regarding the tragic events in New Orleans. He thinks it’s a warranty problem:

Dear M. Chirac, M. Villepen, et. al; representing the sovereign nation of France; dba. Fifth French Republic (1958-present), dba. Fourth French Republic (1944-1958), dba. Vichy Regime (1940-1944), dba. Third French Republic (1870-1940), dba. Second French Empire (1852-1870), dba. Second French Republic (1848-1852), dba. Orleans Monarchy (1830-1848), dba. Bourbon Monarchy (Restoration) (1815-1830), dba. First French Republic (Napoleonic Empire)(1799-1815), dba First French Republic (Revolutionary France)(1789-199), dba. Kingdom of France (Capetian, Valois, et. Bourbon):

It is with great regret that we inform you that failing immediate correction, payment, or other remediation upon receipt of this communication, our client (The United States of America) will be forced to pursue legal action regarding deficiencies and defects related to purchases made in 1803 from your nation.

At the time of such purchase (commonly referred to as ‘The Louisiana Purchase’), the Nation of France offered warranties, both express and implied, that residential and commercial buildings, military installations, religious structures, and other improvements included within the sale had been properly sited and located such that their value could be maintained and improved without rework or relocation. Indeed, most contemporary correspondence indicates that the administrative center of the lands in question, the City of New Orleans, was the primary object of value in the sale.

Unfortunately, since time of purchase, it has become increasingly apparent that the said City has been grievously and negligently mis-sited, and the improvements made and included in the sale needlessly imperiled by the site selected. Such a charge is not being precipitously made, and our client has made a lengthy and sustained effort to remediate these problems without cost or action to your Nation. Unfortunately, the site chosen was so poorly placed that diligent engineering over the ensuing two (2) centuries has been insufficient to remedy defects which should have been readily apparent to the sovereign nation of France during the establishment process.

A simple review of the transaction documents, which may be reviewed at our client’s government archives in the event that subsequent administrative changes in your capital have resulted in the loss of your documentation, shows that NO flood plain disclosure form was included, in direct contravention of current U.S. law and practice. Additionally, documentation provided by your nation was so sparse that immediate mapping expeditions were required by our client to determine the extent and disposition of the lands and improvements offered in the sale. Given the state of the documentation, it is unreasonable for you to assume that our client was aware of the full condition of the site and its interaction with the regional climate and flooding patterns.

Furthermore, it is well established that M. Jean-Baptist Le Moyne de Bienville was acting as an agent of the Crown, and such agency is underscored by his appointment as Governor of the region. His actions on the Crown’s behalf included the negligent siting previously stated, and as such, the Crown and its successor organizations are liable for such negligence. In the unlikely event that M. le Moyn de Bienville or the government were unaware of his poor judgment, the period of 1718-1803 should have served as more than adequate time to become aware of the issue, and either remediate or disclose it. The period of Spanish administration 1763-1801 does not seem germane to this discussion, as such loss of sovereignty was the result of a pattern of questionable military decisions exhibited by the nation of France, and further, the nation of France still felt a sufficient ownership connection to the property to insist on its return at the earliest possible moment.

In retrospect, our client wishes that more questions had been asked regarding the suspiciously low sale price, but the assumption that the low price was the result of your Nation’s frequent military endeavors was a reasonable one given the pattern of the prior four (4) centuries.

We would like to assure you that our client has received great value and enjoyment from most of the purchase, and simply wishes remediation of this issue arising from your breach of contract. Therefore, we look forward to your prompt attention to this matter to avoid the necessity of any legal action.

Another edition of Separated at Birth: My mother’s dog Gonzo and Emmylou Harris. (Sorry Emmylou.)

OK, you buy a shirt, I’ll donate the profits(with a 100% match) to the Red Cross Katrina Hurricane relief.

Buy here. (Click here to see a larger version of the shirt design.)