What’s Next?

Today one of the most tightly held national secrets was finally revealed. I think it’s good for persepctive’s sake to make a list of things we still don’t know:

  1. Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
  2. Did Oswald act alone?
  3. What will Bob Woodward say now when he’s trying to pick up a woman in a bar?
  4. Where is Osama bin Ladin?
  5. Did we really go to the Moon?
  6. What’s the deal with the Crazy Frog?
  7. How does Kevin Costner keep getting work? What about Celine Dion? Geraldo Rivera?
  8. Are there any copies of All the President’s Men available for rental in the Metro Nashville area tonight?
  9. What is Martinizing, and why does it only take one hour?

I’m a dental hypochondriac, evidently…

It started last week, on my way back from the airport. I opened my mouth in the rear view window and I noticed something that just didn’t look right on my back, left, upper molar. It looked dark, unhealthy, and not something you would want in your mouth. It started feeling different. Pulsating.

It’s weighed on my mind ever since.

I’ll admit, I haven’t been a regular dental office visitor in years. I brush, but don’t floss. (Why bother when you can Listerine?) I drink bottled water (when I drink water), so I’m not getting my fluoride like I should. I probably haven’t darkened the door of an office since I had my wisdom teeth out; I know I haven’t been since I’ve lived in Nashville. As Warren Zevon said about his cancer, “I may have made a tactical error in not consulting a physician for 20 years. That was one phobia that didn’t pay off.” I feared the worst.

This morning, not being able to stand it anymore, I asked around if anyone knew a good dentist. A quick google search revealed a phone number, I called about 9 and had an appointment for 10:20. I got there, filled out their forms. I don’t have dental insurance, which is fine because this particular dentist has a drive-up ATM in his parking lot.

They saw me almost immediately. I laid down in the chair, the hygenist person quickly grabbed her tools and went to work. I looked in her eyes trying to get a sense of the horrors that she was seeing. She was good, I got no tells. She’s played this game before.

Turns out it was a just a filling, one that I forgot I had. She said my teeth were fine. In fact, she said they were in great shape. I was embarassed. The pain was evidently all in my head. (Yes, I know even if was a toothache, the pain would be in my head, but still.)

I made an appointment for a cleaning, but I still couldn’t help but feel like Quiz Kid Donnie Smith from the movie Magnolia, heart full of love and mouth full of unnecessary dental treatments.

One thing that I did notice on the form was the field for “Emergency Contact.” It listed a place to put the contact name, telephone number, cell number, standard stuff…and email address. For the record, if you need me, you might try call my cell phone first.

Begun, this geekfest has…

Over the next 13.38 hours, I’m planning on watching Star Wars. The whole thing. That’s right, both trilogies, beginning with Episode I and ending with Episode VI sometime mid-morning tomorrow.

I’ll post thoughts here as they wander in and out of my head.

Episode I : The Phantom Menace

  • I’ve always thought that Qui-Gon was a badass. I always suspected Oskar Schindler of being Jedi.
  • QUI-GON: “My droid here has a readout of what I need.” Astromech droids can be used as flash drives, not just video players.
  • “and there is something about this boy…” I think it would have been funnier if they made little Anakin an asthmatic. Perhaps an allergy to midichlorians? It would help explain his Darth Vader breathing.
  • The best thing I ever saw to describe pod racing was this Foxtrot cartoon.
  • What’s the deal with Anakin’s podracing flag? Is this the coat of arms of the House of Vader?
  • Pod racers go around the track the same direction as NASCAR drivers.
  • What would you call a form of government headed by a 14 year old girl?
  • JULES: “You’re referring to the prophecy of the one who will bring balance to the Force…you believe it’s this boy??” I’ve always pondered this and wonder what Episode III will say about it. I’ve always understood “balance” to mean “bring back the dark side,” especially since “the Sith have been extinct for 1,000 years” comment. I don’t know why they just didn’t cut the kid down right there.
  • The young Senator Palpatine looks a lot like a certain senator from Connecticut.
  • The architecture of Coruscant is pretty uninspired. See John Portman for further examples.
  • Are midichlorians a way to provide a scientific explaination on the nature of faith? Why was this necessary?
  • In Gunga City, do they call the room where everyone hangs out and relaxes the Gunga Den?
  • Hoods are big in Sith fashion.
  • In Gungan society, the fatter you are, the more important you are. I like this idea.
  • Everytime I see someone wearing a cape, I can’t help but think of the Edna Mole discussion of the subject in the Incredibles.
  • At the end of the movie, when Queen Amidala gives Boss Nass the energy ball…did she get that thing at Spencer Gifts? Will it work underwater? Did she think about that before she bought it?

Episode II : When Clones Attack

  • Senators from Naboo fly around in B-2 bombers.
  • Chancellor Palpatine obviously has a favorite chair.
  • Jar-Jar is a lot more subdued in the second movie. I’m betting that Coruscant has a pretty good place to get shock-therapy. Best in the republic. (Stay away from the power couplings.)
  • Always beware of small flying droids. They mean trouble.
  • Why aren’t speeders equipped with proper airbags?
  • “Why do I get the feeling that you’ll be the death of me.” One of my favorite lines. The “death sticks” line is also pretty clever.
  • Padme cuts off Jar-Jar. Also clever.
  • With all of the clothes Padme wore in the first movie, why is she packing herself? Does she expect that all of that will fit in that one suitcase?
  • Anakin’s real father isn’t the force. It’s Doug Whiner.
  • OBI-WAN: (to Padm´┐Ż) I will get to the bottom of this plot quickly, M’Lady. You’ll be back here in no time. Well, it’s been 30 mintues into the movie and we still don’t have a plot. Good luck.
  • OBI-WAN: (nodding) According to my information, it should be in this quadrant somewhere… just south of the Rishi Maze. Exactly what direction is South in the context of space?
  • I love Yoda and all, but once in a while right order I want him to say things.
  • I think that when traveling with R2-D2, people always use the stairs even when there is a ramp. Just to watch him walk up the stairs.
  • For a democracy, the people of Naboo are experts at fascist architecture.
  • Who the hell is the Jedi Sypho-Dyas? Why did he order all of those clones? Wouldn’t someone have caught that when he turned in his Jedi expense report?
  • When Anakin is having his nightmare, right after he spent all day with Padme…let’s have his arms be on top of the covers to alleviate any suspicion of other things he might be doing.
  • The Naboo lake country is very nice, but watch out for the ginormus fleas.
  • The kid playing young Boba Fett. Where was he when they made Menace? He’s so much better than Jake Lloyd, and this kid only answers in one word responses.
  • Obi-wan just put on his hood, but it’s raining
  • How old is Padme supposed to be in this movie? 21, 22? Okay, I can now say that she’s hot.
  • Kamino=Cloud City+Precipitation.
  • Moisture farming. In the desert. I can only imagine that this would be more successful on a planet like Kamino where it rains all of the time.
  • Looking a the landscape of Geonosis, I can only think of this.
  • The women who play Beru in both the new trilogy and the old trilogy? Always fixing drinks for people.
  • Wait a second. When did Matt Santos get here?
  • Always listen to Christopher Lee. He may decieve you, but he won’t lie to you. He walks a very fine line.
  • It’s good that there is a landing platform at the bottom of every galactic factory steam vent. It makes it very convenient.
  • In each of the new movies, there’s a place where you go, “Oh, this must be for the video game.”
  • Threepio’s head on a battle droid? Looks like someone’s losing their ISO9000 certification.

(Having to cut this one short to get to the theater to stand in line. Standing in line is half the fun, right?)

Episode III: When the Sith hits the Fan.

Just got back from the show. I’ll try to talk about the experience of the theater, and avoid any major spoilers. (Though the movie is now out, if you haven’t seen it, it’s your own damn fault)

  • Typically a movie usher’s only weapon is his flashlight. Presented with a r
    oom full of toy lighsabers/flashlights, they are apt to be a bit defensive.
  • No, I wasn’t one of the ones that dressed up. (The security guard made me take off my Pit of Sarlaac costume before I got in the theater.)
  • For the first time ever in the history of the world, the concession stands on the lower level of Regal Green Hills were open. Unfortunately, they only staffed it with two employees for six full auditoriums. As Yoda would say, “Masters of staffing they are not.”
  • The new giant large size 168 oz. Coke that they sell does not fit in the built-in cupholders. And the wheelbarrow it comes with is hard to fit down the aisle.
  • If you are the only female entry in the costume contest, chances are you’re going to win. (Even though you may have only repurposed a ren faire costume.) Unfortunately, you may not appreciate the prize, a Tion Medon action figure. (Though it may complete your boyfriend’s collection.)
  • If you come to the theater dressed in a Toga, you may be at the wrong movie. (Troy came out several months ago.) We decided his name would be Darth Blutarsky.
  • George Lucas really took a risk using Christopher Lee for a character, and then expecting him to show up again for another movie three years later. The man is like 83 years old. Peter Jackson was smarter, he filmed all of his movies at the same time.
  • If I ever start a secret society, the passphrase will be “on good terms with Wookies.”
  • Cirque du Soleil evidently has a show on Coruscant.
  • Even if you’ve taken to a clone trooper so much you’ve given him a nickname, remember who signs his checks.
  • Principal industry of Mustafar, the lava planet? Soap-making.
  • Even if a certain major character loses both arms and both legs in a fight sequence DO NOT MAKE MONTY-PYTHON-HOLY-GRAIL BLACK-NIGHT IT’S-ONLY-A-FLESH-WOUND JOKES. Different sort of nerd humor, you don’t want to mix them. If you can’t stand it (like I couldn’t) be prepared to be pummled with toy light sabers and popcorn.
  • Finally and unfortunately, Jar-Jar does not have an onscreen death.

Episode IV: Star Wars A New Hope

  • Wait, I’ve seen this one before. I’m going to bed.

Chicken Fried Renderings…

I got a flyer in the mail from an architectural modeling company that just blew my mind. Now, I’ve done some architectural rendering in my day, but why anyone would need a rendering of this common sight is beyond me:

Yep, looks like every other exit on I-40. Now there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the rendering, the rest of the stuff was pretty good. Perhaps I’m just jealous that I wasn’t assigned this task, the simplicity of it: all you would need is a camera and enough cash to cover your Sunrise Sampler, over-medium.

Celebrity forearm contest…

Tonight at a local sushi establishment I had my second Nashville experience. (Read about the first one here.) Oddly enough, both brushes with fame have occured in restaurants that specialize in Asian cuisine.* This particular sighting can also count double because she was with her celebrity husband. I was trying to be very subtle with the camera, the above picture was the best I could get. Some may ask, “Who Needs Pictures?” You know me.

I’ve got a ticket to the 12:01 AM Thursday, May 19th showing of Star Wars: Episode III for the first one who can identify this Celebrity.

*Update: I do remember once seeing Charley Pride at the Cracker Barrel off of Music Valley Drive. So actually only 2 of 3 brushes with fame involved chopsticks. (Still.)

**Update 2: I have it on good authority that Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney were seen together in P.F. Changs’ a few days before their wedding was announced. I so see a pattern here.

HABEMUS VICTOR: MMMikey of Who You Talkin’ At? has correctly identified the celebrity forearm as none other than Kimberly Williams. It was his innate sense of music, popular culture, and Asian cuisine that led him to the correct answer.